U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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