I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
