drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
