I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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