i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
