My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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