my sisters under your porch take her home
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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