i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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