I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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