Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
