i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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