god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
