Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
