i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
