I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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