So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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