he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
