i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
