i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
