Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
