I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
