I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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