Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
