Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
As shirtless as possible
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Randomize
