I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
