I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
