Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
