I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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