I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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