Will you blow on my dice?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
