I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
