i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
