Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
