I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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