she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
