Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
