Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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