It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
