Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
