I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
