OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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