the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
