were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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