I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
