I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
