Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
