I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
