Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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