I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
