Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
