Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
