just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
a search helicopter?!
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
